Tie Breaker Entry – LJ Idol Prize Fight

[ellster_kyle]

I hate telling the story of my tattoo. I get it wrong every time. Of course, unlike a lot of tattoo stories, it’s neither amusing nor pleasant, and I can’t spin it without trivializing it, which I refuse to do. So I abridge it.

My tattoo is a cartoon outline of a moose, and next to it is the phrase “Skinneh moose.” It’s my favorite scar that I hate the most.

I used to have this friend. She was the most effervescent, luminous human being. She was the size of a pixie—and the strongest person I’ve ever met. One night, she was positively hammered. I’ve no idea what they gave her at that party, but it was a miracle she was conscious. She started sending us iMessage doodles in our group chat with our closest friends. The ones you can send if you turn your phone sideways. It pulls up a drawing pad, and you can send hand-written messages or pictures. She sent us these outlandish, wonderful drawings. They’re better than anything I’ve ever drawn in my life, and she was drunk, drawing on an iPhone screen with her finger.

Not long after,* maybe a couple weeks, she ended her life. And I’m sorry, or maybe I’m not, to bring us here, but I’ve smoothed the edges so many times, and it always feels like an erasure to leave off what happened to her. To Kayla.

It may seem silly, but in what was and is to me still, an incredibly salient way to remember and honor Kayla, we each got one of her drawings tattooed onto us. Mine is on my wrist where I can always see it.

So there it is: the story of my tattoo. I finally got it right. I suppose the takeaway is that you never stop being important. Trust me on this. I wish I could make every person in the goddamned world understand that. I wish I could go back and make Kayla understand that. You never. Stop. Being. Important.

*And this is where the abridged version starts.

Comments

[bewize]

I am so sorry for your loss. It hurt to read about it.

Your use of language was truly lovely. "It’s my favorite scar that I hate the most." - Really powerful.

[ellster_kyle]

Thank you for your kind words! It's the hardest loss I've ever experienced, but I've found that writing provides much-needed catharsis. And my hope is always that if someone else who has experienced a similar loss reads it, they'll feel a little less lonely.

[tatdatcm]

"And I’m sorry, or maybe I’m not, to bring us here, but I’ve smoothed the edges so many times, and it always feels like an erasure to leave off what happened to her. To Kayla."

The idea that you can express this now is a testament to how much healing you've gone through, even though it's still so hard.

Love you!

[moretta]

"You never stop being important."
Yes. Exactly yes. Hugs.
Even if you can't express how they left, the fact is that they once were there, and that doesn't stop affecting you.

Also, pssst, I think your link to this entry is not in the thread that claudrainsm kept for the write-off entries.

[megatronix]

This is truly beautiful. I love the message that you never stop being important. Thank you for sharing this into the world. I'm glad I got to read it. I love that all of you got her drawings tattooed on you. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. This is a beautiful tribute and a powerful message to share in the wake of such tragic loss.

[rayaso]

This was so tragic and sad. "My favorite scar that I hate the most" was a great line.

[halfshellvenus]

It’s my favorite scar that I hate the most.
This is such a striking line, and coming back to it after reading the story that follows... it's completely clear. That tattoo is a reminder, a wound, an homage, an ache.

I'm so sorry about your friend, and in your description it's clear that she was an amazing person-- to you, to all of her friends. How heartbreakingly sad that she couldn't see that.

[song_of_thea]

Such a sad but meaningful story behind the art. I'm sorry you lost your friend. The ink is a very thoughtful tribute.

[flipflop_diva]

That's such a lovely tribute to your friend — both the tattoos and this entry — though I'm really sorry you have to have a tribute to her at all. That's so heartbreaking, and I am so, so sorry for your loss.